A tribute to Office Space

Saturday, March 27, 2004

where jimmy hoffa be at?

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

Can you have writer’s block if you’re not a writer? I think so. Here I am, sitting at work trying to do as little as possible, when a good friend of mine calls me and tells me to post something on my blog. One little problem---writers block. I actually don’t like the term “writer’s block”. It’s not a very accurate representation of the problem at hand, plus it can be taken to mean other things.

-Hey!!! Where do you live?
-On the writer’s block!!!!

See what I mean. And that was only one example. I know it was a cheesy example but give me a break I have writers block………………….holy shit! I got it.

Think about, when a writer has trouble putting something down on paper it’s not that there is a mysterious force blocking the words from migrating from his or her mind to the page.
Ex: Dick Chaney

Its more like the writer is having trouble getting the words out………..it’s more like literary constipation. That’s it!!!!!!!!!! Literary constipation.

This post sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!1

I hate being constipated.

Tuesday, November 11, 2003

Ok, so I'm on the corner of 45th and 5th eagerly pulling back the napkin on my hot dog so as not to take a bite out of recycled paper along with my recycled meat cocktail, when BAM, I walk into an Atkin's diet reject.

-why don't you WATCH where you're going lady!
(Oh shit. She was BLIND)

This non-seeing button busting toe crushing blind fat bitch gave me the finger!

The finger? I was mad for about 6.5 seconds. That's how long it took me to realize the humor in this situation.

1. She's definitely giving ME the finger only she's about 15 degrees off. So the finger is directed to some guy that looks like Webster except he's of average height.

2. I never thought blind people gave the finger. I mean its sign language. Why would a blind person use sign language

3. Guys I shit you not, she was wearing an "Atkin's for life T-shirt"

4. I gave her the finger back, realized that it was useless. SHE'S BLIND

So finally I just said

Lady- loose the cane, get a dog carbohydrates are the Devil!
Have a nice day.
I HATE PUBLIC BATHROOMS! Can't a guy take a shit now-a-days with out some pencil neck paper pushing no future having assclown of a co-worker disturbing you mid-turd. This corporate jackoff decides that he will no longer honor the closed bathroom stall door logic. Its simple logic.....door closed, someone inside, move to next door. So what does genius do? He decides to put his shoulder into the door and force his way into my shitlist. At this point my taking-a-shit is ruined, the sudden shock of someones shoulder ramming the door makes my buttcheeks involuntarily contract (I'm gonna be wiping my ass for at least half an hour) This all happen in a span of 5 seconds or so. Finally I scream out
-what the fuck is your problem
the asshole replies
-I'm sorry, I didn't know there was anyone in there
Closed bathroom stall door logic
Shit spoiler ruined my day. And its not even lunch time

Monday, November 10, 2003

Anyone ever try to rent a midget? Ok, Ok, a little person. It’s hard to be a funny and politically correct. Ok so I'm searching google for a place that rents out midgets and believe it or not I actually found one.


You guys have no idea how happy and excited I was. Finally I found the perfect gift for my girlfriend. She always said that she wanted a midget to make her grilled cheese sandwiches and paint her toe nails. I got in touch with the midget people and rented a very charming yet humorously short chap by the name of Edmond. Edmond was great!!!!!!! Not only did he actually make great grilled cheese sandwiches but he worked in a beauty salon as a manicurist. Holy feces!!!!!! What are the chances?
Ok, so this thing seems to be working what now? Am I suppose to open up and tell a bunch of strangers who or bored at work some piece of personal information about myself. maybe i can tell you about my boring daily routine that has got me so depressed that i long for the day where my boss fires me for having broken the most-consecutive-days- late record. Or maybe I should just talk about how my grandmother is in a coma. Yeah thats a great story. late back story......My grandparents live in florida very near to the everglades (lots of alligators). Well it seems that my grandfather developed a bit of a crush on one of these handsome reptiles. Well to make a long story short poor old granny walks in to her beautifully decorated home only to find old grand pappy giving all his viagra-instilled-god-knows-how- many inches to the alligator. I can just imagine the look on my poor grandmothers face right before she feighnted. I'll never forget the look on my grandfathers face as he explained what happened to the rest of the family.

Or maybe this is just a lie. I little story. A desperate action taken to kill some time. And all of this because........I'm bored at work
Well considerring that this is the first time I ever post a blog-- this is what i have to say

Testing.......Testing 123

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